In the unlikely event you've been abducted by aliens

You're in the middle of an Alabama corn field. The tall stalks are waving slowly to a rhythm of their own, as dictated by the wind. The smell of fertile earth and rain tingles on the back of your tongue. You're at peace with your surroundings, even though you did get separated from the tour group. There's nothing like being lost in a sea of corn. You're calm...you're centered, this is the exact reason you took this vacation. Nothing odd, nothing scary, just you, the earth, the corn, and the wind...the wind that is now picking up speed. The wind that is now whipping your hair into your face. The wind that is now humming loudly for some reason. The same wind that is suddenly glowing green! A few moments of darkness later, and you wake up strapped to a table in an obviously mobile laboratory, surrounded by a plethora of short bulbous headed extra-terrestrials.

What should you do, in the unlikely event that you are among the relatively small number that have been abducted by aliens?

Take a moment to memorize your surroundings. This is very important for the hypnotism session that will take place once you're back home with an aching bum and a strange reluctance to turn out the lights.

Once you have taken a moment to study your surroundings, make sure you take a close look at your examiners. Are they gray or green? Do they have more human attributes, or do they resemble lizards? Are some eating mice? Are they asking you to take them to your leader? Do they even speak English? (though that last question will most always be positive. No matter where you go in the Galaxy, English is the predominant language...just watch Stargate if you don't believe me.)

Once you've done the requisite studying, try to make small talk with the alien that is handling what appears to be a rather large anal probe. Be polite, comment on the recycled air in the facility, ask where it's from, determine whether or not this is a routine scientific analysis, or if there's a darker reason to their sudden interest in the human physiology. Ask some pointed questions, lead the discussion, be aggressive with your interest. Remember, these things will be important to your psycho-therapist when you return to earth.

Keep the conversation loose and easy. Try to involve all of your captors, engage in camaraderie and make sure you put them at ease. Explain that the lunar landing was really done in some hollywood basement, and we're nowhere near the technology that would lead to a true space race.

Be convincing...that may be the only thing that saves your ass...literally. Establish rapport.

Once you've been returned to earth, make sure you take up a job as a crop-duster, living in a Winnebago with your three children, going to the local bar and telling your abduction story. One day, we'll need someone like you years in the future to help Will Smith make July Fourth more than just a national holiday!