Friday, July 11, 2008

In the unlikely event you're mistaken for a serial killer...

It's three in the morning. You're asleep...or at least, you were. There's a noise outside that sounds as if the Macy's parade has decided to make your driveway their next thoroughfare, and with all the blaring sirens, you're not sure whether to duck and cover, or grab your gun.

The strobe lights from the three hundred police cruisers are making you sick to your stomach, and the voice on the bullhorn sounds half drunk. You lay there for a moment, before you make out a few words...namely, that you're surrounded, and to come out with your hands up.

So what happens in the unlikely event your neighbors believe you're a mild-mannered mass murderer?

Firstly, DON'T and I stress, do not, in your sleep-deprived haze, stumble through the front door in only your slippers, demanding to speak with someone's supervisor. At three in the morning, the po-po might be a bit testy. And they have the guns. More than you. Lots more than you. And they will most likely shoot you on sight, especially if your bits are swinging. No one likes swinging bits.

Secondly, even if you are terribly confused and rather anxious, try not to let the nervous, but evil, cackle escape. That tends to make you look well as the muttering, and the soliloquy about how you shall wear the pieced together skins of their many offspring...a bit buffalo bob-ish.

If they have you cornered like a rat...and you have not particular escape plan in mind, even though you are an innocent citizen with crazy ass neighbors...try to think of a way to talk yourself out of it. If you have seen Blazing Saddles be aware that holding yourself for ransom just might work. But only if you're African American.

Alright, so you've tried to talk, but they won't listen...or can't hear your terrified shrieking and cries for your mother over the wailing sirens that they have yet to turn off. Which, by they way, is waking your other neighbors, who are subtly being informed as to why the police are surrounding your humble home by means of "Please stay in your houses, we will shoot the sonofagun if he ever comes out."

You gather your courage around you, like a cloak of desperation that stinks of sweat, urine, and the hint of aftershave. You stand, and face your front door, like a prisoner awaiting the firing squad, walk outside...only to find that it wasn't you they were talking to in the first your yard, laying prostrate, is a mild looking man, wearing the skins of the innocent.

And slowly, you begin to defecate on yourself.

But you have survived yet another unlikely event. You even have a picture for your unlikely even scrapbook...yet another day in the life of you.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

In the unlikely event you've been abducted by aliens

You're in the middle of an Alabama corn field. The tall stalks are waving slowly to a rhythm of their own, as dictated by the wind. The smell of fertile earth and rain tingles on the back of your tongue. You're at peace with your surroundings, even though you did get separated from the tour group. There's nothing like being lost in a sea of corn. You're're centered, this is the exact reason you took this vacation. Nothing odd, nothing scary, just you, the earth, the corn, and the wind...the wind that is now picking up speed. The wind that is now whipping your hair into your face. The wind that is now humming loudly for some reason. The same wind that is suddenly glowing green! A few moments of darkness later, and you wake up strapped to a table in an obviously mobile laboratory, surrounded by a plethora of short bulbous headed extra-terrestrials.

What should you do, in the unlikely event that you are among the relatively small number that have been abducted by aliens?

Take a moment to memorize your surroundings. This is very important for the hypnotism session that will take place once you're back home with an aching bum and a strange reluctance to turn out the lights.

Once you have taken a moment to study your surroundings, make sure you take a close look at your examiners. Are they gray or green? Do they have more human attributes, or do they resemble lizards? Are some eating mice? Are they asking you to take them to your leader? Do they even speak English? (though that last question will most always be positive. No matter where you go in the Galaxy, English is the predominant language...just watch Stargate if you don't believe me.)

Once you've done the requisite studying, try to make small talk with the alien that is handling what appears to be a rather large anal probe. Be polite, comment on the recycled air in the facility, ask where it's from, determine whether or not this is a routine scientific analysis, or if there's a darker reason to their sudden interest in the human physiology. Ask some pointed questions, lead the discussion, be aggressive with your interest. Remember, these things will be important to your psycho-therapist when you return to earth.

Keep the conversation loose and easy. Try to involve all of your captors, engage in camaraderie and make sure you put them at ease. Explain that the lunar landing was really done in some hollywood basement, and we're nowhere near the technology that would lead to a true space race.

Be convincing...that may be the only thing that saves your ass...literally. Establish rapport.

Once you've been returned to earth, make sure you take up a job as a crop-duster, living in a Winnebago with your three children, going to the local bar and telling your abduction story. One day, we'll need someone like you years in the future to help Will Smith make July Fourth more than just a national holiday!

In the unlikely event that your Amazonian Guide is the butcher and chef for a tribe of cannibalistic pygmies.

So, you've decided to go on an adventure in the Amazon. You've been inspired by the tales of Indiana Jones, and you've equipped yourself with bug repellent, a whip, a dagger, and a gun. You've hired yourself a native guide, and read a book on how to out swim a piranha. You're more prepared than a holiday meal. Three days into your epic trek, and you wake to find your height-challenged native guide has laid you out on a portable scale, and is ticking off a list that looks suspiciously like cuts of meat. And suddenly it occurs to've stumbled into an unlikely event!

So what should you do, in the unlikely event that your short Amazon guide is actually the butcher and chef of a cannibalistic tribe of Pygmies?

Don't panic! Panicking never helps. If you panic, you alert your adversary to the blind terror that has suddenly enveloped your fragile body and your yet-to-be-tested immortal soul. Dry those tears, and regain control of your bladder and bowels. Now is not the time to wallow!

In a calm, soothing voice, address your guide. "Would it be alright if I just slid off this scale, and ran like the devil himself were after me through three days worth of jungle that I will most assuredly get lost in, to the nearest American Embassy so as I can report you and your unethical behavior?"

Wait a few moments for a response (though this typically receives a rather inquisitive raised eyebrow and a questioning turn of the lips). If none is forthcoming, try again. "It's rude to make friends with your food before you eat it!"

If your Pygmie guide still regards you as little more than meat, assuage your dignity with a well phrased and indignant retort. This might result in anger on both sides, so I suggest you save this as a last ditch effort.

Try distracting the Pygmie from his duty. Offer to play ball, write him a check for a million dollars, take him fishing. Engage the little cannibal so that you might escape.

Slowly slide off the scale, and then run!

Beware of blowdarts, strange Amazon frogs, and piranha laden rivers. Take a circuitous path, and be sure to cover your tracks. Make friends with the local poisonous inhabitants, and make use of that whip you bought for your journey.

Or you could always shoot him. That is an option.

In the unlikely event that the monster in your closet is real.

Most individuals suffer from one phobia or another, all stemming from our childhood. From the most common (fear of spiders) to the downright ridiculous (fear of insanely long words), we all have something that just sends shudders down our spine. This particular coward has decided to face that age-old terror. The monster in the closet.

What are the steps one should take if there actually is a monster in the closet? I, personally, haven't seen any kind of warning or monster-trap that might actually get rid of the pest that continuously haunts children.

So, how must one ward off this danger? How can we protect our innocent children?

In the unlikely event that the monster in the closet is real...what exactly are we supposed to do?!

Step One: The very first step to protecting yourself and your progeny from this mythical creature is to check the closets every night. You never know when or how this house-invading pest might get in, so a thorough check of it's favorite haunt and the darker areas of the house are in order. Be sure to have a very powerful flashlight on hand. Closet Monsters have been known to jump out at the unwary.

Step Two: When you have determined that there is indeed a Monsterus Closetus inhabiting your house, you must take preventative measures to rid yourself of this beast. Run to the nearest dollar store, buy up their entire stock of mothballs, coat-hangers, boxes and/or totes, and at the very least 50 nightlights.

Step Three: Setup your arsenal. Clean out the closet, warily of course, with every possible light on in the room. Remove untidy items and restack them neatly in your closet. Utilize your boxes/totes, sprinkling liberally with mothballs. Make sure coats are hung up, as well as clothes. Messiness is a Monster's friend, after all.

Step Four: Monitor the movement of your monster, make sure every outlet has a nightlight, and if possible, leave the bathroom light on. Monsters congregate in the bathroom. Monster's view the toilet as a false god, and as such, carry on wild parties and perform odd rituals in the bathroom.

Step Five: If cleanliness hasn't run off your monster, and the lights hardly keep it at bay, my last suggestion is to call a professional Monster exterminator. Check your yellow pages, it's sure to have a few.

So there you have it folks. A few suggestions from your friendly neighborhood coward on what to do in the unlikely event that your closet monster is real.