In the unlikely event that the monster in your closet is real.

Most individuals suffer from one phobia or another, all stemming from our childhood. From the most common (fear of spiders) to the downright ridiculous (fear of insanely long words), we all have something that just sends shudders down our spine. This particular coward has decided to face that age-old terror. The monster in the closet.

What are the steps one should take if there actually is a monster in the closet? I, personally, haven't seen any kind of warning or monster-trap that might actually get rid of the pest that continuously haunts children.

So, how must one ward off this danger? How can we protect our innocent children?

In the unlikely event that the monster in the closet is real...what exactly are we supposed to do?!

Step One: The very first step to protecting yourself and your progeny from this mythical creature is to check the closets every night. You never know when or how this house-invading pest might get in, so a thorough check of it's favorite haunt and the darker areas of the house are in order. Be sure to have a very powerful flashlight on hand. Closet Monsters have been known to jump out at the unwary.

Step Two: When you have determined that there is indeed a Monsterus Closetus inhabiting your house, you must take preventative measures to rid yourself of this beast. Run to the nearest dollar store, buy up their entire stock of mothballs, coat-hangers, boxes and/or totes, and at the very least 50 nightlights.

Step Three: Setup your arsenal. Clean out the closet, warily of course, with every possible light on in the room. Remove untidy items and restack them neatly in your closet. Utilize your boxes/totes, sprinkling liberally with mothballs. Make sure coats are hung up, as well as clothes. Messiness is a Monster's friend, after all.

Step Four: Monitor the movement of your monster, make sure every outlet has a nightlight, and if possible, leave the bathroom light on. Monsters congregate in the bathroom. Monster's view the toilet as a false god, and as such, carry on wild parties and perform odd rituals in the bathroom.

Step Five: If cleanliness hasn't run off your monster, and the lights hardly keep it at bay, my last suggestion is to call a professional Monster exterminator. Check your yellow pages, it's sure to have a few.

So there you have it folks. A few suggestions from your friendly neighborhood coward on what to do in the unlikely event that your closet monster is real.