In the unlikely event that your Amazonian Guide is the butcher and chef for a tribe of cannibalistic pygmies.

So, you've decided to go on an adventure in the Amazon. You've been inspired by the tales of Indiana Jones, and you've equipped yourself with bug repellent, a whip, a dagger, and a gun. You've hired yourself a native guide, and read a book on how to out swim a piranha. You're more prepared than a holiday meal. Three days into your epic trek, and you wake to find your height-challenged native guide has laid you out on a portable scale, and is ticking off a list that looks suspiciously like cuts of meat. And suddenly it occurs to you...you've stumbled into an unlikely event!

So what should you do, in the unlikely event that your short Amazon guide is actually the butcher and chef of a cannibalistic tribe of Pygmies?

Don't panic! Panicking never helps. If you panic, you alert your adversary to the blind terror that has suddenly enveloped your fragile body and your yet-to-be-tested immortal soul. Dry those tears, and regain control of your bladder and bowels. Now is not the time to wallow!

In a calm, soothing voice, address your guide. "Would it be alright if I just slid off this scale, and ran like the devil himself were after me through three days worth of jungle that I will most assuredly get lost in, to the nearest American Embassy so as I can report you and your unethical behavior?"

Wait a few moments for a response (though this typically receives a rather inquisitive raised eyebrow and a questioning turn of the lips). If none is forthcoming, try again. "It's rude to make friends with your food before you eat it!"

If your Pygmie guide still regards you as little more than meat, assuage your dignity with a well phrased and indignant retort. This might result in anger on both sides, so I suggest you save this as a last ditch effort.

Try distracting the Pygmie from his duty. Offer to play ball, write him a check for a million dollars, take him fishing. Engage the little cannibal so that you might escape.

Slowly slide off the scale, and then run!

Beware of blowdarts, strange Amazon frogs, and piranha laden rivers. Take a circuitous path, and be sure to cover your tracks. Make friends with the local poisonous inhabitants, and make use of that whip you bought for your journey.

Or you could always shoot him. That is an option.